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| Ok, so here's my life right now...have you all been clutching the edges
of your seats waiting to know??? does anyone read this anymore?? who
knows...welll let me show you
something....this....................................................................................
is everything i am gonna keep to myself for now...b/c well...i just
need my inner thoughts to stay inner for the moment...now as for all
the other stuff...
i have been in this huge funk lately...it's like things are passing
by....and i'm just watching through tunnel vision...you know that dream
that you have sometimes, that you are so close to something, but yoou
just can't get what you are trying to get...that's where i am right
now...it's perpetual, and it's very very odd...
i have also been very on edge...things will piss me off very
easily...so if i have seemed pissed off towards...or at you...i'm
probably not...it's just my current situation...which is part of the
thing that i am not gonna get into...so oh well...let's just say things
aren't where i want them to be right now...
but what i will shed light on is this...not having a job is harder than
having a job...people expect more out of you...and it seems like i am
pushing more to get a job than i would be pushing while at a
job.....the economy sux the works...i think i lost one opportunity b/c
there was a guy from Louisiana...he needs to go back home...not take my
job...sorry, it's mean...but i mean seriously...and then another job i
think it's b/c i woulda been the only guy...but oh well, i'll figure
something out right?? let's hope it's soon now...it's driving me
insane!!
another thing is if i hadn't ben screwing around in school so
much...maybe i woulda made something of myself by now...instead i'm
sitting here and thinking about all the time i'm wasting not being in
school...and saying that not everyone does things at the same speed or
something like that doesn't work....i'm just really nowhere in my life
right now....what do i have to show for the last 8 years almost of
being out of high school....for the past 25 for that matter??? i dunno,
it's getting hard to see the lighter side of life....but i am trying
to....
i mean i have a very nice running car right now.....and good
friends....and family....but i feel like i can't fully express the
things i am thinking to anyone...b/c i don't know where or how to
start..i'm not sure i understand everything that is running through my
head myself....but as long as i am looking for ways to fix things, i
guess it can't all be bad...and when things get fixed i'll be a ton
better off!! well i think i am done for now....maybe i'll write more
tomorrow....i have a lot to sort out before i can really write things
down ya know...ttyl...
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| So this is my Retarded coming of age thing...I'm Neurotic!!! give me
peace of mind to reflect on how dumb i have been with my life!! maybe
ya'll have suggestions on what to do, or different ways to approach my
life...this serves as a warning...i am gonna make myself look like an
idiot in this post...and i am proud that i know now how to make an
idiot of myself....well ok..i knew how...but i never noticed how much
of one i was...
Call it a rebirth...at 25!!!!...i'm not fooling myself a week before
hand calling myself 24 anymore...i had a rebirth...my neurotic self has
found out a lot bout myself b/c i have forced myself to see myself
clearly!! follow that???
first things first...i let my brain think for me....i need to stop
this...and you think...welll isn't that what is supposed to think for
you...NO, not for a neurotic...first my gut tells me something....then
my heart tells me to follow it...and then my brain steps in the
way....and it's like...man...your whole body is telling you to do
this....act AGAINST that...don't do this and you are safe....let me
tell you...i HATE being safe anymore....i need to trust my gut....and
my heart...if my brain ever tells me to do something, i will advise
against it!! i will do the things that scare me the most!!! and i will
prove to myself that nothing can scare me unless i let it!!there is
drive for this rebirth to this part, but if i have a chance in hell, i
will prove it wrong sometime soon, i hate being something that i don't
want to be...i forgot the stupid daredevil i was in HS and
before...man...i miss that guy!! he was BALLSY!! WTF!! ok...on to step
two!!!
I have wasted my Life for the past 7 years...well let's say 6 to be
nice....I have done everything with my life to keep me from being
happy, and i can't live like that! i have noticed in the months that i
have not been in school how much of my time and life i have wasted!!! i
WASTED it, i can proudly admit that to myself...and you think...PRIDE
in WASTE!??? WTF...YES, and i say again!! YES!!! i have shown myself
what i want in life b/c my life has wasted so much time showing itself
what it wants...Deep again huh!? I am going to get back in school in
the fall, and i am going to slaughter those classes, i'm not a dumbass,
it was just safe to stay that way....are you still keeping up???
I am going to show myself what i want!
and let's move on to the other thing i wanted to talk about...I am
afraid to be happy!! in any circumstance...i think i am not worthy of
anything...b/c i haven't made money...b/c i haven't achieved goals in
my life....so i am worthless right?? NO!! Money doesn't make me me!! MY
goals haven't made me me!! people see me as me, and it seems, and i
hope...they respect me for being me....i have had a hard time seeing
me...so on that last post...i wanted to find myself...i just did!!! 1
down!!! i am me in any art that i do...in every time i play
hockey....in every time that i am doing something b/c that is what i
do...b/c i know how to do it...that is me...i'm not something i built
myself up to try to be...i am the person that doesn't have to do
anything i don't want to, and i am proud to just be what i have made/am
making myself into...this is me...right here in front of everyone and
myself...and let me tell you another thing...
I said i wanted to find God...HE has been there, he has known to back
off of me to let me prove these things to myself...and yes...i have
been far from doing what he has wanted, but he knows i Love him and
think about him...i don't need to prove this...b/c i know it deeper
than i can even think...He is part of me,,, in good and in bad...so
let's jot down NUMBER 2!!! that's out of ten very hard goals to reach!!
and those may have been my hardest!!! so we will move on...and let's
see if i can prove myself to myself!! wish me luck!!!
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| so i'm kinda back on this kick again..watch out....but i guess we could
say there's that whole soul searching thing that's been going on...well
here's the thing, I've always had this thing..that maybe i was owed
something...whether it was the world, God, whatever...and i've realized
nothing owes me anything....i thought i could trot through life and
things will just work out.....and that hasn't happened, and therefore,
i felt like i had things shitty...pardon my french...well looking back
at the last couple of years, yeah..they've been bad...but how could i
have made them better, i could have been more ambitious...i think i was
ambitious there somewhere...and i think my heart wants to be that
way...but my mind second guesses itself, and with someone as neurotic
as me, the second guessing wins out, and things go bad...b/c i know i
can get the things i want and need, i just have to tell my brain to
shut the F*** up! sorry for the harsh letter there...it had to be
said...haha...that dane cook's a funny one! so i can tell you some
things that i was expecting by now in life, that have not come to me,
that i am going to be ambitious and achieve in...i am going to say two
and a half year..and yes..that's probably b/c that's when i will
finally graduate...but we'll see, maybe i'll become overly ambitious!
1. Skydive! - should have been done by the time i was 21, that was the plan...
2. Graduate! - my original plan is i saw a three years and i was out thing...wow, going on a decade now...good one huh!
3. get my massage therapy certificate! - i just need to find a way to get it now!
4. Be self reliant!! - i hate answering to people....ok..so i'll
probably have some boss to still, but my life will be in my own hands!
5. well...find someone to be happy with... - cheesy, but you know
everyone wants it...and maybe i just need to build my confidence and
make that happen...oh and get past those committment issues..but i
think this list is in the right direction..don't you? if i make a
list...i have to do it, or someone will come up to me one day and
say....YOU MISSED THIS ONE! and this list will mean nothing if it's not
all along it's way at least ya know...
6. Sell some of my art! - every artist's dream yeah...but it's gotta happen ya know...
7. well this one may be a 5 year deal...start restoring a 69 camero...i love that car...and that leads to a longer term goal...
8. Get a Job restoring classical cars!- not just restoring cars...i
want every peace to mean something...like you see those shows on
tv...they put so much into each car/motorcycle...i don't care about the
tv thing..but i think it's a passion to persue..
9. Find God... he knows i'll still make mistakes, but he'll be there to help me back up from them!
10. Be happy with myself...that should be #2...after finding God...but skydiving may be easier for me!
...ok ok...so some of that will for sure take more than 2 and a half
years...but i can make things work one way or another....if i give up,
make me remember how to be ambitious....it'll help me to no extent! and
i hope you don't give up on me, b/c i'll make things work!...now who
wants to go skydiving!?
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| And so i took a long break from this thing...yes, yes...i know you all
missed my blabbing...how could i ignore you like this....well let's
just say i haven't been in the talking about my feelings mood...and
guess what...i'm still not!! but this needed to be written in...things
are going ok...not good...not bad...they are just going right now...i
have to have my wisdom teeth taken out in the next month....probably
the next two weeks actually..i may try to cut it through mid next week,
so i don't have to waste my weekend...i have a dr's appointment with
him thursday to see how this will all work...and i'll let you know when
i am removing them so you all can bring me fun stuff like shakes and
soup!! yum...i prefer shakes though!! or maybe a blizzard!!
mmmm...blizzard...but i dunno if i could have that...we'll see
though!!i have less than a month..then i would be a fourth of a century
old! but i am getting Tindo's as i have slipped a few times and called
them...AKA tinted windows! and then i dunno...i may get something else
for it as well...i hope i'll have a job by then...i'll need to be
getting drunk for it i'm sure!!well anyway...i dunno what else i wanna
talk about..so i'll ttyl..
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| have you ever had that feeling like you just want to scream out...but
have no reason to...ok...well so i have reasons to...but i dunno which
to pick..i mean i have some that are good...some that are bad....some
would just be fun to scream at the top of my lungs...which then i would
probably fall down with an asthma attack from all the
screaming...so...let's start from the beginning....oh and just for the
fun of it would be like..."hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed
my father...prepare to die!" man, that's a fun one...or.." They named
it...San Diago...which of course in german is...A Whale's Vagina!"
yup...gotta love that one too...
well of all the lowdown things people could do: here is my beef with
people...and so called "Road Rage!!" we were going to the Pat Green
concert...no..i did not offer to buy a ticket...i knew it would not be
fun...b/c i'm no country bumpkin..lol...j/k to those who are! but
Jeanna couldn't go...so i was like...Sure, i'll take a ticket...and you
are thinking...what does this have to do with road rage...well i am
getting to that...well i didn't have a bad time at the concert...i
wasn't listening to much of it...but it was a new experience...well on
the way to said concert...i was accosted...yes..i used the word
accosted b/c i have never used it before....but i was accosted on the
freeway! so i was in the left lane...and following at a safe driving
distnace behind the car in fron of me...and this stupid POS came
hauling up behind me with thier brights on..ok ok...i know what you're
thinking...Illegal, Illegal!...so yeah..he started gaining...so i
tapped my breaks to slow them down...and they got on my A$$$$$....so i
let off the accelorator..thinking they'd back off and go around..but
no..they stuck to my back bumper...if i had hit my break..we woulda
wrecked...well, we flipped them the bird...yeah...not the smartest
move..but i'm blind at this point..i'm mad enough to do that sort of
thing...and just so you know...to be able to tell what we were
signaling..they woulda had thier brights on..which they did!! so it's
thier own fault anyway...well i started using my car's speed to get
away...well they caught back up..and got right back on my buttand i was
getting pretty mad at this point myself...well they found a hole and
got beside me...and proceeded to THROW things at my car!!!! ok sorry,
nothing i had done warranted THROWING things at my CAR!!! well they
were the trashiest white trash redneck skinheads i HAVE EVER SEEN!! and
i am gonna go with they were cracked out or something...b/c they seemed
very crazy to me!well they sucessfully hit my car three times...one
scratched my car..one did nothing...and one left a small puncture on my
front passenger side door!! it's small yes...but it's a blemish on my
car! AND it went THROUGH the metal...which means it coulda done some
REAL damage if it had gone through the window!!! and no!! it's not done
yet!!! well they decided they wanted to try to run me into the
enbankment...well i would have none of that...so as they were pushing
me that way i started easing back towards them!! yeah..i meant
business...if i was gonna have a wreck..SOMEONE else was gonna be
responsible!! and after i collected myself and my car back into my lane
good..i punched it and got up out from around them...they tried to
gain...mike called 911...they backed off to where i could not get thier
liscense plate!! so i have a puncture in my car dang it!! i am
mad!....so that is what i would have to scream about that would
be a mad scream...the good news now!
so i went to a jobfair at countrywide...it's a financial institue i
guess you could call it..they do mortgages...loans...etc...well they
wanted me to interview....and i went in wednesday...and then they were
like...welll if you have time, would you mind sitting through a second
interview?? i was like well of course!!! so i did...and now they just
need to do my background check...then i may very well be getting 25+
grand a year...that's pretty good to start off a job at i would
think...plus overtime and commission for products i get a person
toget...so yay!! let's hope my background check comes through clean!! i
don't see why it wouldn't! but the start of the new year may mean good
money for me! so let's just hope it all works...
well i think i am done!! so ya'll have a MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND A HAPPY
NEW YEAR!! THOUGH I SHOULD VERY WELL SEE YOU BETWEEN NOW AND THEN I
HOPE!
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